from me to you,dear past..

halo blogspot :)
its been...2 years? since the last time i wrote something here.
back then,i was just a high school girl. deeply in love with a guy who is younger than me.
diliat dari post terakhir,post tentang ketidak lancaran hubungan gue dan dia,sekilas bikin orang yang baca postingan itu pasti mikir "ah paling gak lama abis nge posting ini,mereka putus"
no,people.....waktu itu gue juga mikir hal yang sama. kalo gue dan dia,mungkin gak akan bisa bertahan lama.
but,guess what? tuhan ternyata mempersiapkan cerita lain buat gue dan dia.
well....kita bertahan. dalam hubungan yang mungkin orang lain liat sebagai hubungan yang rentan,tapi bagi gue,hubungan yang gue jalanin sama dia,was not just an ordinary relationship. because,at that time,i just knew,he's the one for me.

i love him so much.

2 tahun yang gue jalanin sama dia bener-bener bukan 2 tahun yang mudah.
from the very first,i knew he's not that kind of guy whose easily understand a girl's heart. no. not at all.
dan gue mencoba buat memaklumi itu. gue tau,dia bukan seseorang yang mudah peka. bahkan pas awal2 kita bareng,gue sama sekali gak tau apa sebenarnya dia punya perasaan yang sama ke gue. atau cuma gue yang sayang sama dia.
well,karena rasa gue yang mungkin terlalu besar buat dia,seakan akan gue buta.
buta karena yang gue tau adalah gue sayang dia. nothing else matter.
my friend always told me,dont be blinded by a temporary love.
temporary love...
i dont want this love just temporary. i want it to be forever.
or so i thought.....


everything went perfectly.
kita mungkin adu pendapat beberapa kali.
kita juga pernah salah paham satu sama lain.
ada kalanya saat gue merasa bener2 hopeless sama dia,gue mencoba buat mengakhiri semuanya.
walau gue tau,gue ga bisa pisah sama dia. dan akhirnya gue memutuskan buat kembali.


kalau ada yang nanya ke gue
"apa yang lo liat sih dari dia? lo kayaknya bisa dapet yang lebih"
jujur aja sih,gue sendiri gatau apa yang bikin gue setengah mati sayang sama dia.
he's stupid. he's clumsy. he doesnt understand a girl's heart. he's slow. he's not popular. he's not mature
people might think,what did you see in a guy like that? what makes you loves him more than yourself?


"do we need a reason to love someone?"

when i'm with him,i finally know "love has no reasons"
i dont care if he's not handsome,charming,poor,or rich,stupid or smart.
i couldnt careless about that.
what i see in him,is someone whos really loves me.
someone whos always there for me.
someone whos always said "she makes me proud"

i used to doubt his feelings towards me.
but then,time showed me...he showed me what is love.





i love him.






but then,you know the phrase "god gives what you need,not what you want"

god gave me him,when i need someone to rely on. someone to love. someone to complete me.

 for temporary.

not forever.





 everything seemed perfect.
then it all changed.




semakin kesini,semakin kita sering adu pendapat.
semakin jarang kita komunikasi.
semakin sering kita salah paham.

rasanya kehangatan yang dulu kekal diantara kita
hilang tanpa bekas.

gue lelah. gue terlalu lelah untuk terus mengejar dia.
rasa gue yang kuat untuk dia,ternyata gak bisa lagi ngeredam rasa lelah gue.


makin kesini gue belajar,bahwa saat seseorang datang di kehidupan lo,mereka hanya singgah
bukan untuk selamanya,tapi untuk sementara.

gue lupa akan fakta sederhana seperti itu.
gue lupa bahwa cinta atau rasa sayang yang begitu besar tidak bisa menyelesaikan semua masalah.

he's the love of my life.
its not like absolute love for family or for god
its like love from my heart to someone i thought will complete me.

if you ask me, "have you ever thought about spend the rest of your life with him"
i'll say,yes. he's the one for me. the only one that i wan for now,and for the rest of my life
i'm not joking. because i know,my love for him is real.


but once again,love only won't fix anything.
its easy when you love someone,and they're close to you

but not in my case.
distance. and many problems that makes us can't stay together



honestly,i dont wanna give up on him.
but....

i can't stand him.
we've been together for 2 f*kn years and he still couldnt understand a word i fail to say.
its not like i never told him. i always tried to tell him what i feel
how he makes me feel. how bad it was. or why i cried
he always said "okay i get it" or "i'm sorry"
but he repeats the same mistake all over again.
like i have no heart to deal with.


i love him. so much. so much that i'd rather gone than live without him.

thats what i thought.


just because you love someone so much,you can forgive everything they've done to you.

i know everyone deserves a second chance
but his case,its more than second chances.


i know i put it wrong way.
i walked away,slowly without telling him every single thing.
i just...i'm so done.
because no matter how hard i try to explain everyting to him,the result is always the same.
he'll say sorry. when he's not.







3 months after our break up.
its so hard for me,to heal this broken heart.
there's no way i could forget him.
he has my heart.
until now.

now,the only thing i beg to god is..



"please give me someone who will love me more than i love him"

because when you really love someone,the most painful part is knowing they don't feel the same way like you do.